Depression Recovery

Question:

Face it Red, you don’t want just one you want to smoke. You wanna smoke smoke smoke smoke. That will fix everything. I’m tired of quiting. All I think about is not smoking cause I wanna smoke. I wake up in the morning and have to think about not smoking. I take a break at work and force myself not to smoke. Damn! When will this end. So why’d ya quit in the first place? Join the gang. I had a really really bad day 2 days ago. From 2pm afterlunch till I drove home from work. Good days, bad days. Last night was our first night of summer volleyball. 4 outdoor sand courts, music and beer. Listened to my co-player and gf talk last year about "smoking dreams". I thought about how distant quiting was. They did it but I couldn’t. Gawd! How could I stay a day without smokes. Don’t you think I walked onto the courts with my ego taped to my forehead last night! I don’t smoke and neither do you. Smoking is one of the things in your life that has been repaired. Don’t break it again. cw btw- i had a really good afternoon yesterday. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->i’ve been craving really bad the last day or two. its an odd kind of >craving as it is tied in with my depression. i’m slinking into the pit >and for some reason my brain thinks well, since my life is going so >crappy i might as well smoke to top it off. As well as seeing it as a >"healthy" way to punish myself. >Doesn’t really matter my reasons. All I know is that I really do want >a cigarette lately. I’m too afraid to have one cause I know that I’ll >be back smoking a pack a day and I don’t want that. If I could just >have one i prolly would, which just depresses me further. But I know I >can’t. >I don’t know. I want a cig, I don’t want one. >Red Robin

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TODAY I WILL NOT SMOKE! NOT EVEN ONE PUFF 1 IS TOO MANY 1,000,000 IS NOT ENOUGH SFB’RS MUST CONQUER. HANG TOUGH. PAT CAVANAUGH – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I don’t know. I want a cig, I don’t want one. > Red Robin

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  Do not make me come up there young lady. Paul    SFB

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I want one too, but I’ll resist because I want to grow old.  I figure I’ll always want one….. -Alan

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> i’ve been craving really bad the last day or two. its an odd kind of > craving as it is tied in with my depression. i’m slinking into the pit > and for some reason my brain thinks well, since my life is going so > crappy i might as well smoke to top it off. As well as seeing it as a > "healthy" way to punish myself. > Doesn’t really matter my reasons. All I know is that I really do want > a cigarette lately. I’m too afraid to have one cause I know that I’ll > be back smoking a pack a day and I don’t want that. If I could just > have one i prolly would, which just depresses me further. But I know I > can’t. > I don’t know. I want a cig, I don’t want one. > Red Robin

Response:

Hi Robin, Don’t you dare smoke, you have come to far to blow it now. I have been pretty bleak the past week, feeling so horrible.  I am at 9 weeks tomorrow.  And I think we just have to go through it. Bear it and wait for it to pass. I try to think about how much I hated smoking when I smoked, how much I wanted to quit, and also about how much fighting to actually do it. Hope you are doing better tonight. Cathy

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> i’ve been craving really bad the last day or two. its an odd kind of > craving as it is tied in with my depression. i’m slinking into the pit > and for some reason my brain thinks well, since my life is going so > crappy i might as well smoke to top it off. As well as seeing it as a > "healthy" way to punish myself. > Doesn’t really matter my reasons. All I know is that I really do want > a cigarette lately. I’m too afraid to have one cause I know that I’ll > be back smoking a pack a day and I don’t want that. If I could just > have one i prolly would, which just depresses me further. But I know I > can’t. > I don’t know. I want a cig, I don’t want one. > Red Robin

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Sometimes it helps to re-read some of your earlier posts.  It helps you remember how much you went through to get to where you are.  And you DON’T want to start over, do you? Never starting over again! Chris f3as3 Off of nicotine for  One week, four days, 10 hours, 48 minutes and 59 seconds. 229 stinky cigarettes not smoked, saving $40.08. Life saved: 19 hours, 5 minutes.& I intend to enjoy every minute of it!! – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >i’ve been craving really bad the last day or two. its an odd kind of >craving as it is tied in with my depression. i’m slinking into the pit >and for some reason my brain thinks well, since my life is going so >crappy i might as well smoke to top it off. As well as seeing it as a >"healthy" way to punish myself. >Doesn’t really matter my reasons. All I know is that I really do want >a cigarette lately. I’m too afraid to have one cause I know that I’ll >be back smoking a pack a day and I don’t want that. If I could just >have one i prolly would, which just depresses me further. But I know I >can’t. >I don’t know. I want a cig, I don’t want one. >Red Robin

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Hi Robin

: : i’ve been craving really bad the last day or two. its an odd kind of : craving as it is tied in with my depression. i’m slinking into the pit :and for some reason my brain thinks well, since my life is going so :crappy i might as well smoke to top it off. As well as seeing it as a :"healthy" way to punish myself. oesn’t really matter my reasons. All I know is that I really do want :a cigarette lately. I’m too afraid to have one cause I know that I’ll :be back smoking a pack a day and I don’t want that. If I could just :have one i prolly would, which just depresses me further. But I know I :can’t. : :I don’t know. I want a cig, I don’t want one. : : Red Robin you’re down at the moment, and what did we always do when we were down? We smoked, and imagined it made us feel better. It didn’t, the only thing it did was to relieve the withdrawal created by the cigarette we smoked earlier. When we get low it is easy to fall back into old patterns of behaviour that we thought made us feel better. They didn’t, and they still won’t now. It will only make you feel even worse. If you get through this without smoking, you’ll have that lovely warm glow of achievement! If you smoke, you’ll end up re-addicted and the cigarettes may well be a lot more persistent than the depression. I’m talking through experience here! My best way out of these low moods has always been exercise – a walk, a swim, a cycle;  whatever it takes to get the adrenaline going again and shake off the blues. Good luck and keep going, we’ll be thinking of you. Liz

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> I hope this depression can get settled for you– it’s heartbreaking to see how > some folks struggle with this. > Hugs, > elle

I think it’s heartbreaking because we’ve been there, in some form or another. I see depression expressed in so many ways (and at different levels) in quits, and experienced it in my own way in several attempts and even in this one during the first several months. It’s a huge mental (and perhaps physiological? any doctors here?) hurdle to leap… getting by the constant imagery of smoking/cigarettes once it sets in. I was able to substitute with activity, and eventually, "doing something" became the habitual response to that overwhelming urge. I hope you will also find your way out, or over your hurdle, Robin. It’s not easy but it CAN be done. MaryO 10 days away from DOF

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- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > i’ve been craving really bad the last day or two. its an odd kind of > craving as it is tied in with my depression. i’m slinking into the pit > and for some reason my brain thinks well, since my life is going so > crappy i might as well smoke to top it off. As well as seeing it as a > "healthy" way to punish myself. > Doesn’t really matter my reasons. All I know is that I really do want > a cigarette lately. I’m too afraid to have one cause I know that I’ll > be back smoking a pack a day and I don’t want that. If I could just > have one i prolly would, which just depresses me further. But I know I > can’t. > I don’t know. I want a cig, I don’t want one. > Red Robin

Robin,  You DON’T want a cig. Because you don’t want to have gone through what you’ve  gone through up to this point and have to repeat it all over again later.  Once you smoke that first one you will wish you hadn’t.  You will feel even more depressed by this evening than you feel right now not smoking.  You will really, really be in the bottom of the pit over this if you bust your quit.  I can just about bet my life on that.  Now do you WANT to feel even worse?  Would you LIKE to make yourself more depressed?  I don’t think you do.  Smoking will NOT make you feel better, it will within a few hours, make you feel much, much worse. Please remember that.  Hang onto that thought.  It’s not a guess.  It’s a certainty.  At least, I’m certain of it.  I’ve been there and done that too many times. Just ride it out.  You can do it. — *Hugs* BinnieBee – HOF         %%       (—-)      ( >__< )      ^^ ~~ ^^      ~f3as3~

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When you sit back and really think about it, I don’t think a cig is what you need.  Don’t let the idea that a cig will help get into your noggin.  You, like the rest of us addicts, know that isn’t true.  Stay strong, Robin.  Smoking isn’t the problem but it will be if you light up again! Sally – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->i’ve been craving really bad the last day or two. its an odd kind of >craving as it is tied in with my depression. i’m slinking into the pit >and for some reason my brain thinks well, since my life is going so >crappy i might as well smoke to top it off. As well as seeing it as a >"healthy" way to punish myself. >Doesn’t really matter my reasons. All I know is that I really do want >a cigarette lately. I’m too afraid to have one cause I know that I’ll >be back smoking a pack a day and I don’t want that. If I could just >have one i prolly would, which just depresses me further. But I know I >can’t. >I don’t know. I want a cig, I don’t want one. >Red Robin

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Hi RR,  I don’t remember where you are in your quit but I’ve had some moments like you are describing.  They are hard to take.  I really understand that.  But please don’t put one in your mouth.  I know that sounds simple but it’s the only thing that works for me when it gets bad. And hey,  I want one too.   I’m not far enough away from them yet to decided to smoke.  I just know I don’t want to smoke ever again and the only way to do that is not to do it.  Hang in there.  Try to focus and remember why you are quit. Kim

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> i’ve been craving really bad the last day or two. its an odd kind of > craving as it is tied in with my depression. i’m slinking into the pit > and for some reason my brain thinks well, since my life is going so > crappy i might as well smoke to top it off. As well as seeing it as a > "healthy" way to punish myself. > Doesn’t really matter my reasons. All I know is that I really do want > a cigarette lately. I’m too afraid to have one cause I know that I’ll > be back smoking a pack a day and I don’t want that. If I could just > have one i prolly would, which just depresses me further. But I know I > can’t. > I don’t know. I want a cig, I don’t want one. > Red Robin

Response:

Good Morning Red Robin – I hope you are feeling better than when you posted earlier.  I hope you got past those moments ok and that you are doing well. Remember,  the cravings will pass whether you smoke or not.  Better to still be a non-smoker after the craving.  :-) Hang in there!  You are doing great!  Hope you are feeling better soon. ~August   f3as3 http://www.quitbuddies.org/frogs.html I quit smoking at 9:00 a.m. on Oct 27th, 2001. That’s seven months, two days, 22 hours, and 3 minutes since I last smoked a cigarette.  1504 cigarettes not smoked, saving me $218.14! I’m kickin’ BUTT!

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> i’ve been craving really bad the last day or two. its an odd kind of > craving as it is tied in with my depression. i’m slinking into the pit > and for some reason my brain thinks well, since my life is going so > crappy i might as well smoke to top it off. As well as seeing it as a > "healthy" way to punish myself. > Doesn’t really matter my reasons. All I know is that I really do want > a cigarette lately. I’m too afraid to have one cause I know that I’ll > be back smoking a pack a day and I don’t want that. If I could just > have one i prolly would, which just depresses me further. But I know I > can’t. > I don’t know. I want a cig, I don’t want one. > Red Robin

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[posted and mailed] Red Robin opened all of our eyes with this: > i’ve been craving really bad the last day or two. its an odd kind of > craving as it is tied in with my depression. i’m slinking into the pit > and for some reason my brain thinks well, since my life is going so > crappy i might as well smoke to top it off. As well as seeing it as a > "healthy" way to punish myself.

There’s that advanced ever learning (specific to you) junkie thinking. It sucks, don’t it? > Doesn’t really matter my reasons. All I know is that I really do want > a cigarette lately. I’m too afraid to have one cause I know that I’ll > be back smoking a pack a day and I don’t want that. If I could just > have one i prolly would, which just depresses me further. But I know I > can’t.

Well, you wouldn’t because you don’t smoke! Don’t allow yourself to ‘go there’. When you start this sort of self-destructive thinking, cut it off early. The nicodemon plays very dirty pool. S/he does the best work while you are down. > I don’t know. I want a cig, I don’t want one. > Red Robin

I forget where you’re at. Robin. But I know that you’re at least past the physical phase of this addiction/recovery. Now it’s you against the nicodemon. It’s all behavioral from now on. If you want to be successful and more at peace, you have to change your thinking. You don’t smoke anymore. Don’t even let it be an option. Try looking at it this way: Smoking is a self-sustaining addiction. You are no longer physically addicted to smoking. You no longer smoke. Now why would you want to start up such a killer disgusting habit? Repeat after me: I don’t smoke, because I don’t smoke. I don’t smoke, because I don’t smoke. I don’t smoke, because I don’t smoke. I don’t smoke, because I don’t smoke. I don’t smoke, because I don’t smoke. I don’t smoke, because I don’t smoke. I don’t smoke, because I don’t smoke. I don’t smoke, because I don’t smoke. Me either Have a nice day -G. 15M or OF+QOF or 1Y+3M… whatever!… I don’t smoke anymore!

Response:

Robin, you have to ride this one out.  Remember that these depressions don’t last forever and though you may want one *today* you are not going to be happy about having had one next week.  I know, I know, it’s little consolation when you’re in that pit of "I don’t care" despair but believe me it is NOT worth it. I hope this depression can get settled for you– it’s heartbreaking to see how some folks struggle with this. Hugs, elle – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->i’ve been craving really bad the last day or two. its an odd kind of >craving as it is tied in with my depression. i’m slinking into the pit >and for some reason my brain thinks well, since my life is going so >crappy i might as well smoke to top it off.

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> i’ve been craving really bad the last day or two. its an odd kind of > craving as it is tied in with my depression. i’m slinking into the pit > and for some reason my brain thinks well, since my life is going so > crappy i might as well smoke to top it off. As well as seeing it as a > "healthy" way to punish myself.

I dunno how long ya smoked but I smoked for what seemed like forever. They were always there for me. After funerals they were there for us to stand outside and smoke and talk about the fella that’d died. They stood there beside me, in my pocket, wherever, and were silently supportive. When I was stressed from work and didn’t have anybody to talk to about it for whatever reason, they were there for me. They were there for the long hours I would get to put in over double shifts. They were there for me instead of food sometimes. They were there after a really good meal. They greeted me first thing in the morning with my coffee, and were the last things to touch my lips at night before bed. I’d be surprised to think I wouldn’t miss them. We spent a lot of time together. Good times and bad times we spent together. That’s years of learned behavior to unlearn. It’s not going to be fast or easy, but neither was the learning process, the years of getting used to having them there, or thinking that I had them there for whatever I needed them for. Yeah, I miss ‘em. I could go back now just talking about them… but it’d be stupid of me. People go back to spouses who abuse them, smack ‘em around, beat the heXX out of ‘em all the time because ‘they’re there for them.’ Because ‘they don’t mean to hurt me,’ because ‘I musta deserved it.’ or ‘I was asking for it.’ Sorta like those cigarettes. I’m done with this abusive relationship. I’ve put up with them beating the snot outta my lungs and my health for the last time. They’re not good for me. It’s not fair to my family, my new nephew, my friends to slowly kill myself just cuz I think it’ll all be better if I go back to the friend I always had who beat me up. Yeah, I miss ‘em too. That don’t mean it’s a good thing though, just a measure of how deep my unhealthy relationship was/is, and how long it’ll take to get over. Ask anyone in here who has quit long-term abusing themselves, and allowing the cigarettes to abuse them, if they regret breaking up with their hot-headed, filter-bottomed friends. *shrug* I suspect it’s hard, but I hope it’s worth it. Cuz honestly? I’m tired of going back to the same old date that keeps beating the shXX outta me. — Rich G. http://www.geocities.com/simplerichg/index.html "You can’t go around building a better world for people. Only people can build a better world for people. Otherwise it’s just a cage."         — (Terry Pratchett, Witches Abroad)

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I go through that too, Robin.  Then I think about the long-term.  The packs, the cartons, and all that shit associated with what "just one" leads to.  The urge goes away. Yep, it sucks sometimes.  I’m an addict.  Could be worse.  Could be a PRACTICING addict. Lee — 4w 1d 6h smoke-free, 1,741 cigs not smoked, $261.15 saved. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > i’ve been craving really bad the last day or two. its an odd kind of > craving as it is tied in with my depression. i’m slinking into the pit > and for some reason my brain thinks well, since my life is going so > crappy i might as well smoke to top it off. As well as seeing it as a > "healthy" way to punish myself. > Doesn’t really matter my reasons. All I know is that I really do want > a cigarette lately. I’m too afraid to have one cause I know that I’ll > be back smoking a pack a day and I don’t want that. If I could just > have one i prolly would, which just depresses me further. But I know I > can’t. > I don’t know. I want a cig, I don’t want one. > Red Robin

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i’ve been craving really bad the last day or two. its an odd kind of craving as it is tied in with my depression. i’m slinking into the pit and for some reason my brain thinks well, since my life is going so crappy i might as well smoke to top it off. As well as seeing it as a "healthy" way to punish myself. Doesn’t really matter my reasons. All I know is that I really do want a cigarette lately. I’m too afraid to have one cause I know that I’ll be back smoking a pack a day and I don’t want that. If I could just have one i prolly would, which just depresses me further. But I know I can’t. I don’t know. I want a cig, I don’t want one. Red Robin

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In alt.support.stop-smoking, on 30 May 2002, Red Robin announced: > I don’t know. I want a cig, I don’t want one.

Hang in there RR, you’re doing so great! Look at that meter of yours!  Post it here for us all to see! Don’t be depressed, you should be proud of how well you are doing – the more you think about how depressed you are, the more depressed you will be, but if you instead think of how great you are doing, you can give yourself the moral encouragement. No matter what else is going on in your life, whether you smoke or not won’t change it, if anything, smoking will just make things worse, because as you know and you said, you *can’t* have just one – if you could you wouldn’t be here, so smoking will just depress you further rather than making you feel better. Hang in there, you can do it! Regards OgO — my Quitting smoking page: http://qjc.cjb.net/quit.html Quit Stats home page: http://qjc.cjb.net/quitstats.html -=- Current version 1.2.20.16 – released 20/02/2002 -=- (—) f3as3     wun – OF+1/3 – asdfg (ok, I made that last one up Since 1/01/01 at 10:31:05 AM, OgO has not smoked for: 1 year, 4 months, 4 weeks, 1 day, 10 hours, 36 minutes and 10 seconds.   10,294 cigarettes not smoked, AUD $3,187.12 saved, life saved 1M 5D 17:52:02.

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