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hey rich, i am totally serious in my reply. i hate getting lame answers; you’re going to hell! or your family! or whatever…it never quite peirces the pain of what causes suicide to feel good in the first place….i woke up today wanting to die…this bs disease was *on* me…it’s so hard to breathe w/ it. you ever get that? i wanted to tell you that i have met a few ppl on line who also want to die…or what they really want is to live w/ self respect and some freedom from pain is the truth. dying is for me, just a way outta the pain, if somebody offered another one that sounded reasonably quick and feasable, i would take that one, at least try it out. where are the magic pills when you need them? anyway, this morning..i felt like i was grieving for somebody, like a death, like the death of a child or something, it hurt so damn bad. i’m wondering what it feels like for you? and about the ppl online, i’ve had a lot brutally honest convos w/ them, two in particular (two ppl, i mean) and we had remarkably similiar feeling about the issue of suicide . maybe you wanna meet w/ us? or me? i could ask these two friends if you want, and kinda have a chat, privately, about all the pros and cons of it. for me, talking about it has been cathatic, i feel less isolated and crazy b/c i know others feel same, i feel validated b/c these two ppl tell me they respect my ideas and feelings—it’s just a thought. or we could email, if you want to. really though, you have got to get yourself to a pdoc and get a therp (i sincerely believe in therapy for myself, maybe if this is not what you are ready for, there are some books that are good too) and stop winging it…it’s like having cancer and ignoring chemo or something. you honestly have a disease–it’s not your fault, there is even some evidence i read about once that suicidal ppl maybe organically different than severely depressed non suical pll. don’t hold to me that now, it is merely a theory and i found it on web, just an idea, but it is kinda wierd that some obsess about suicide, and others, they just don’t get it to the same degree–even if their traumas seem worse. again, you do have some options here…if you’re ready to die, then you’re going to die. you do have that option, we both know that…but if you try to get better…give yourself a little chance….and still want to die…then, you can still die, i mean, that’s just logic. i will die if i just can’t take it anymore. i’ve never sworn to anybody that i’ll never suicide. i see it as my choice, some would disagree, invoke gods and morals, and family pain……but for me…when i’m done and i gave everything–then i’m done. now, there was a time when my life was better, a few years after being suicidal, i did get better, i think it was bp giving me a break, but i was amazed at that time i ever tried to kill myself. but now i’m back to the bottom time again and it’s back. such is life. give yourself a chance though rich, just try…ok? email me if you want. sincerely cirela
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Hello to everyone who has been reading and responding to my posts. I’ve been reading all of your replys and thinking about them. I guess that just about anyway is going to have some sort of pain involved. But at least it won’t last as long as my pain of living would be. I don’t know what to do, i’m wondering if your just playing with my mind, or if maybe there is someting to what all of you have been saying. This is getting very confusing for me and I feel like I don’t know anything anymore. Why do I feel ok when I’m at work? I work as much as I can, most of the time I spend between 60 to 70 hours a week there so I don;t have to go to my home. I hate leaving there because I know that when I get home the only thing on my mind will be how should I end my life, and what I need to do so no one will have to mess with any leagal crap. Maybe I should see if they’ll let me work 20 hour days, maybe that would help, I don;t know. my job is the only thing that’s kept me going this long. as far as the old age idea goes, it sounds way too painful Rich
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I have increased my neurontin from 800mg/day to 1200mg/day in a matter of 2 days. I am amazed that I haven’t fallen down yet due to whatever it is that attacks balance. I bet I have nearly fallen down 5 or 6 times today, LOL. I also feel the hypomanic effects a little bit: cleaned garbage up, emptied dishwasher, bought a book for self and two for brother (I suppose generosity comes with hypomania?), have now finished 50 pages of the book, and was a bit bouncy and vocal in the empty house, heh. Part of the reason for the quick increase is that see pdoc on Wednesday and I will ask her to fill out a prescription for 300mg pills 4x a day. I will stay on 1200mg/day for a week or two and see how that turns out. Heather Rae
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Be sure of your decision. Go to freinds family anyone you trust and tell them how you feel. As for playin with your mind most of us are out of ours so I don’t buy that. I think what you are feeling is called DOUBT. Please look into it, and if you want to talk here is the place and the people to do it with. 
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >Hello to everyone who has been reading and responding to my posts. I’ve been >reading all of your replys and thinking about them. I guess that just about >anyway is going to have some sort of pain involved. But at least it won’t last >as long as my pain of living would be. I don’t know what to do, i’m wondering >if your just playing with my mind, or if maybe there is someting to what all of >you have been saying. This is getting very confusing for me and I feel like I >don’t know anything anymore. > Why do I feel ok when I’m at work? I work as much as I can, most of the time >I spend between 60 to 70 hours a week there so I don;t have to go to my home. >I hate leaving there because I know that when I get home the only thing on my >mind will be how should I end my life, and what I need to do so no one will >have to mess with any leagal crap. Maybe I should see if they’ll let me work >20 hour days, maybe that would help, I don;t know. my job is the only thing >that’s kept me going this long. > as far as the old age idea goes, it sounds way too painful >Rich
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D. Milton) writes: >See if getting up slowly helps any. Also running your hand along a >wall to give your brain some sensory feedback as you walk.
I’m trying to be more careful about how I get up. It’s not very bad, I just kind of misstep (sp) a few times (which is what causes me to nearly trip over whatever it was I was near or sitting on) before I can walk sometimes. I started running my hand along the wall almost as soon as I started Neurontin, I think; maybe it is an automatic reaction/compensation. Interesting. I especially use it for doorjams. heh. >Hopefully this loss of balance will be a transitory side effect and >will go away soon. You may want to be very cautious about driving.
I think my brain will end up compensating for the loss of balance shortly by asking for more sensory input. Plus, with the increase being so quick some of the new loss of balance will probably disappear. Driving, apparently, isn’t impaired. >Usually the antidepressive effects of Neurontin will be lessened as >the mood stabilizing effect increases with time. But if not — >Neurontin IMO makes a good candidate for polytherapy. I use it very >successfully along with Topamax (for its appetite suppression >effects). Both meds need to be carefully and conservatively prescribed >IMO.
If Neurontin doesn’t work for me by itself, I am not sure what I would try with it due to my sensitivity of side-effects. The sensitivity turns my mind off meds very quickly. Wellbutrin and Neurontin are the only meds I have stayed on the longest. Topamax would probably kill me because of the appetite supression effect, heh. I only weight 105 lbs. I have never been above 110 lbs and I’m 5′11". >Have you noted any cognition improvements yet from Neurontin?
When I am not depressed, I notice much better focus of concetration although it’s still not great. People say I talk a lot more which probably means I can get my thoughts together quicker and express them. I think that’s about it. Heather Rae
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<Posted and Mailed to Heather Rae> > I have increased my Neurontin from 800mg/day to 1200mg/day in a >matter of 2 days. I am amazed that I haven’t fallen down yet due to >whatever it is that attacks balance. I bet I have nearly fallen down 5 >or 6 times today, LOL.
See if getting up slowly helps any. Also running your hand along a wall to give your brain some sensory feedback as you walk. >I also feel the hypomanic effects a little bit: >cleaned garbage up, emptied dishwasher, bought a book for self and two >for brother (I suppose generosity comes with hypomania?), have now >finished 50 pages of the book, and was a bit bouncy and vocal in the >empty house, heh. Part of the reason for the quick increase is that >see pdoc on Wednesday and I will ask her to fill out a prescription for >300mg pills 4x a day. I will stay on 1200mg/day for a week or two and >see how that turns out.
Hopefully this loss of balance will be a transitory side effect and will go away soon. You may want to be very cautious about driving. Usually the antidepressive effects of Neurontin will be lessened as the mood stabilizing effect increases with time. But if not — Neurontin IMO makes a good candidate for polytherapy. I use it very successfully along with Topamax (for its appetite suppression effects). Both meds need to be carefully and conservatively prescribed IMO. Have you noted any cognition improvements yet from Neurontin? >Heather Rae
Best wishes for success from, James
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– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Hello to everyone who has been reading and responding to my posts. I’ve been >reading all of your replys and thinking about them. I guess that just about >anyway is going to have some sort of pain involved. But at least it won’t last >as long as my pain of living would be. I don’t know what to do, i’m wondering >if your just playing with my mind, or if maybe there is someting to what all of >you have been saying. This is getting very confusing for me and I feel like I >don’t know anything anymore. > Why do I feel ok when I’m at work? I work as much as I can, most of the time >I spend between 60 to 70 hours a week there so I don;t have to go to my home. >I hate leaving there because I know that when I get home the only thing on my >mind will be how should I end my life, and what I need to do so no one will >have to mess with any leagal crap. Maybe I should see if they’ll let me work >20 hour days, maybe that would help, I don;t know. my job is the only thing >that’s kept me going this long. > as far as the old age idea goes, it sounds way too painful >Rich
Please, Rich, find some help, you sound like too nice a guy to end your life now. I don’t think anyone is trying to play with your mind. I hope you don’t really don’t want to die, but I do know the feeling VERY well, it’s on my mind all the time too. Please write if you feel like talking. Moody
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I can’t tell you the best way out. I know a lot of painful ones that don’t work though. I have spent eons in the grip of psychotropic pain with only one gurantee….. that it will happen again. Yet suicide is no longer an option. I can not argue with my reason for being here any more than why I am bipolar. No one can touch you and make the pain go away, not even god…he gave it to you remember ? If it is your time to go then it will be, otherwise you will just be adding scars, and more pain and suffering to the list. Two roads diverged in a yellow wood and sorry I could not travel both and be one traveler, long I stood and looked down one as far as I could to where it bent in the undergrowth; Then took the other, as just as fair and having perhaps the better claim, because it was grassy and wanted wear; though as for that the passing there had worn them really about the same And both roads that morning equally lay in leaves no step had trodden black oh, I kept the first for another day ! yet knowing how way leads on to way I doubted if I should ever come back I shall be telling this with a sigh somewhere ages and ages hence two roads diverged in a wood, and I — I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference. Robert Louis Stevenson (1874-1963) I have no feeling for which way you go, I know only the world will be a lonlier place without you. JimBob (troll and poetry stealer) ))) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >I tried going to a doc. I went and talked about my feelings and made a second >appointment. 1 day before the appointment, they canceled my appointment. I >figure that they must feel I’m not worth the effort to try to save. So why >should I try? >I’m not looking for help to survive this feeling. I’m looking for the best way >out. >I appreciate what your saying, but I’ve already made up my mind about this. >Rich
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The BEST way is at a very very old age in the bed of a 20 year old woman. <grin>
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> hmmmm best way??? Yeah I know > OLD AGE
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How about you try the Kevorkian approach? Take a couple of muscle relaxers and then some good ‘ol carbon monoxide,or try pure concentrated nicotine? Don’t know how painless or foolproof these are,but hey man its up to you.I’m just answering your question and I know where you’re comming from. Seriously,though,there are sooo many other things you could do right now besides killing yourself and many of them have already been posted.
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At least before you try anything, go here: http://www.metanoia.org/suicide It’s helped me through a few hard times. Maybe it will help you too. Heather Rae
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hmmmm best way??? Yeah I know OLD AGE
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have enough trouble figuring out best way to live. don’t die, procrastinate. seems like a big enough assignment to procrast on. what IS the best way to live Rich ? can you tell me that ? Huh ? figure that one out first, then figure on the best way to die, that way you’ll have the complete set. cause you can’t get the complete set if you die first. love you lots. just met you, but i’s already miss you.
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If none of the ways to die work that all of you talk about, there has to be a way, I don’t know what it is yet, but I’m dtermined to find away out of this crap called life. I do fine at work, but as soon as I get home, my shit just falls apart. All i think about is how to prepare my death so it won’t be a burden om anyone, and a easy wayout. I was hoping that sleeping pills would work, I haven’t tried anything yet because when I do this I want it to be right the first time. That’s why I asking anyone out there for help on how to do this. Knowing ways that don’t work and ways that are too painful will help me find the right way to do this. I apreiciate all the advice everyone has given me. I can go from feeling like I’m on top of the world to wanting nothing but my death in less than a minute, i hate this shit and I want it to end Rich
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hey kissme…seen a lot of reaction to your post already….hard to believe anybody would care at this point, isn’t it? i hear what you’re saying. been very suicidal for years and years and years….od twice last year and docs told my bf, family, i was going to die..what religion am i for last rites and all that…it’s surreal to me now. first off. i’m not going to say just hang in it’ll will change. i don’t think it’s true, i’ve hung in , and it didn’t change. *however* , when i did something–got myself a sw therp and eventually found celexa–it did actually change. still suicidal, still full of self hate and despair…etc. seems like the only constant is not matter how many steps forward, i get absoluted knocked off my butt by this bastard disease. i too, have felt, what am nutz? am i going to stay w/ the living–for *this*? who’s the ill one again? i’ve felt masochistic to stay in this life….i mean, the pain—-it hurts so bad i steals my very breath. i hear you…i really really really do. i got on the net..searched for suicide stuff–tons of prevention–some methods–and *zero* on ppl recovered from suicidal ideation and no longer ready to die. there’s a book, i’ve half read: "waking up alive" by ppl who’s done just that–wishing they were dead the moment they gained consciousness, realizing they have survived their suicide. . i’ve asked my docs…to level w/ me–anybody really find stability? no more suicide? while i didn’t expect them to say, no hon–here’s all your money back–they were pretty candid about it. said some patients–years and years–took a drug, took therapy–AA—-had to change jobs, lessen dependence on disappointing family memebers—therapy, therapy therapy…. etc…i have a feeling you already know all this. prolly been suicidal a long time–fighting the good fight and feeling like you’ve lost at every turn—that’s how i feel sometimes. so: no—on the oding–not by a long shot. to od is hopelessly ineffectual and i wouldn’t not kid you about that. cutting, hangin, guns, jumping, even trains are far from foolproof. hard to believe, i admit..but ppl lose their esophogus or have nerve,liver,kidney,respiratory damage, sever tendons and ligaments and lose use of limbs, lose thier face and brain, and become parapalegics or even more damage is done. i couldn’t believe how hard it is to put down the human body–i began to see how desperately this body wants to live–i felt guilty …anyway: ppl do kill themselve..i mean, some do actually succeed…we all know that… but let’s talk–i’ll listen or i’ll tell you about me if you want–whatever feels good–i know you feel just awful..i wish i could give you some tylenol for bp…a few hours of maximum relief <g> but in all seriousness, until you really absolutely have nothing—nothing left to live with….think about getting help–a real pdoc–tell her/him you are desperate–a therp, they will talk w/ you about suicide and the obsessive thoughts you get and i get…and hang out here and in the cafe…let us befriend you…or just chill together. i would never ever lie to you the suicide issue–many of us have it….so: i hope you can wait it out tonight–maybe contact me or the bunny or whoever…go ahead and call hosp–it’s really not so bad there…it can be a catalyst for change. best wishes for you, cirela
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Dear Rich, I don’t even know you except for your posts this evening, and yet from these brief encounters I can safely say that you are a person with good qualities, and it would be a tragic loss if you died. I see that you care about the people in your life (you mentioned you didn’t want to burden anyone) and that you are a thoughtful person (you expressed to us that you were appreciative). Even in your profound despair, these qualities shine through. You deserve to be helped and nurtured out of your pain. You said that you wanted this shit to end. It can, and it will. I promise you. But you have to stay alive to see that I keep my promises. Those of us here on the newsgroups can be cheerleaders for you, can help point you in the direction of resources, and can empathize with your depression. But at this point, Rich, I think the best thing you could do for yourself is any and all of the following: (1) If you live alone, call a friend or family member that you trust to come to your house. Tell this person what you have told us. If you live with someone you can confide in, tell this person that you are thinking of suicide. (2) If you have a psychiatrist, psychologist, or therapist, call him or her right now. If it is the middle of the night where you are, it’s still okay to call your doctor. They will have an answering service that will get your doctor to call you back, or they will have an emergency number for you to call. This is an emergency. Tell your doctor that you are suicidal. (3) If you don’t have a doctor, call 911 and tell the operator that you are suicidal. Another option is to have a friend or family member take you to the emergency room or your local hospital. Rich, the endlessness you are feeling right now does not compare to the endlessness of death. Please share your burden with someone in-person. Tell a friend and tell a doctor what you are planning. You deserve support in getting through what you are feeling. This is not a time to be alone. My very best wishes to you, Nicole
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You need to call you p-doc NOW and get yourself to the nearest hospital. PLEASE hang in there with us. We all know how you feel right now pick up the phone RIGHT NOW and call for help! Sarah
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I can tell you this won’t work. I have taken so many sleeping pills, ADs and whatever else I could get my hands on. At one sitting I took up to like 60 pills. I was tipsy that I ended up downstairs (everyone else was asleep) at my kitchen table at 2:30 or 3 am eating butter pecan ice cream and drinking a can of beer. I passed out in my ice cream, woke up, ice cream everywhere, stumbled to the livingroom where I, by the grace of some guiding hand, passed out totally on the couch. I thought I was dead. I wasn’t of course. Fortunately my husband managed to hustle me off the couch before the kids got up—-about 4am and put me to bed. He ended up losing a half days work because I would not wake up. It was not pleasant. What you will end up doing is either sleeping——not dying——or spewing what you put in you—–total waste of money and time. I didn’t spew but I was sure loopy for a day. Please don’t even attempt this. As funny as my scenario sounds (and it sounds funny when to me when I tell it—-not to others I guess) what could happen is far worse then simply passing out. I am not talking about death. I am talking about maybe harming your body in other ways that would make your life a sight worse than death. Brain damage nerve damage (which I believe I do have in my toes and face and fingers) Try getting some emergency help. If you are feeling this close to the edge—–go or call your crisis center or go to the ER. Talk to someone. Just remember too you are far from alone in your thoughts and feelings. I am right behind you and so is another person and another and another. I am not trivializing your situation. I just want you to know that I am there too alot more than I wish I were. I understand. I hear you. Becky
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> I appreciate what your saying, but I’ve already made up my mind about this. > Rich
To hell with this You are talking to the suicide king. i have done motre Ods than any one I know. I have done sleeping pillls. THe first od I did was sleeping pills 4 bottles and a 40 of wisky. Hell I just did a hallusination time that scared the shit out of me, I have done every med ever talked about on this New group I know my drugs and i do not Know of a good way out. THe halusinations the convultions, the extreem dammage cause d by the OD like the use of my right arm is gone, the deeling in my right side and ankle. I had almost no EKG so they thought I was brain dead. I almost suffered a makore stroke from this. I almost became totaly parapalegic and had my brain thoughts fucked up/. I almsot became a invalide that sill wanted to die. One were I would have had thouse bad feelings and no waty to move or do any thing. I have had friends shoot them selves. and blow there faces off because the bullet hits the bone and ricashaes around. but no death just a lot of wire to hold her face back to gether. I watched a guy jump off the bridge and slowly panicy down. It took 30 minuets of him thrashing around./ I know people who huing them elves jumped off the biulding and done every med you can think of. Idid over 600 meds last june and two bottles of rye. I am still here. but you may not be sop lucky. I am the energzier bunny who keeps going and going. I do not know who you are. You could be in a box in the cold ground with the worms eating you. If you want to know the real feelng of dieng I have doone ity s o often It is part of me. I was pernon=ced dead. I have seen death and fight that black horse man all the time.. if he is bothering you let me know because him and me have had our battles and he always looses to the bunny. So call on me please lyle
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>I’m wondering if any body knows where to get information on the best way to die >painlessly.
In your sleep, by natural causes. Unfortunately, it cannot be arranged. — IMPORTANT: Remove the edible part of the E-mail address before replying.
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I’m wondering if any body knows where to get information on the best way to die painlessly. I’ve been thinking about using a case of beer and a few boxes of sleeping pills. Does anyone know if this would work? I’ll read any posts or e-mail from anyone who knows anything about this, or any other ways that I might consider using, Thanks, can’t take anymore
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hey!!!! c’mon it can get better are you seeing a doc? amy
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I tried going to a doc. I went and talked about my feelings and made a second appointment. 1 day before the appointment, they canceled my appointment. I figure that they must feel I’m not worth the effort to try to save. So why should I try? I’m not looking for help to survive this feeling. I’m looking for the best way out. I appreciate what your saying, but I’ve already made up my mind about this. Rich
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You should consider old age. Whatever you are going through right now, although it seems unlikely, will pass. Get help immediately. Go to the nearest emergency dept. I onced remarked to a nurse that I wanted to try a painless death using sleeping pills. Her response was to ask me if I’ve ever seen the results of victims of an overdose that was unsuccessful. The results were worse than death. Get going now. Bill – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > I’m wondering if any body knows where to get information on the best way to die > painlessly. I’ve been thinking about using a case of beer and a few boxes of > sleeping pills. Does anyone know if this would work? > I’ll read any posts or e-mail from anyone who knows anything about this, or any > other ways that I might consider using, > Thanks, > can’t take anymore
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Hi Rich, > I’m wondering if any body knows where to get information on the best way
to die Well, as a medical practitioner I can tell you from my experiences in the ER that ODing on booze and pills doesn’t work. Usually, the person survives and is horribly impaired. > painlessly. I’ve been thinking about using a case of beer and a few boxes > of sleeping pills. Does anyone know if this would work?
It probably will fail. That is my medical opinion. > I’ll read any posts or e-mail from anyone who knows anything about this, > or any other ways that I might consider using,
I am saddened that you feel so depressed and resigned to what you have predetermined to be your fate. There is help out there but unless we have the courage to reach out it will elude us. Please reconsider this permanent solution to a temporary problem. I am 51 years old and have had BP illness since I was a child. I also have MS and am a recovering alcoholic. I was misdiagnoed for 35 years and treated for only unipolar depression.. The result was that I turned to alcohol to self medicate. Didn’t work <sigh>> Please email me anytime my friend. You are in my prayers. Yours, — Reach beyond your grasp!
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