Depression Recovery

Question:

If you have the time please listen.  If not, thanks anway  But it will feel good to just let some stuff off my chest.  I can’t really get into everything or it would take a VERY LONG TIME to write.  I’m just having a hard time dealing with guilt.  Has anybody out there ever had to deal with it?  Overcome it?  My guilt is alot my fault.  Is it my fault i’ve felt depressed and made the wrong decisions?  I don’t know, I would hope not.  I’m only 23.  It’s taken me alot longer to grow up and mature.  I was sheltered a long time and lived with very strict religious parents.  I wasn’t exposed to the "real world" until I was like 18.  Which is the time I met my girlfriend.  Ever since I met her, it seems I’ve gone through my stupid stage in life.  The bad thing is, she’s ALWAYS been there for me, cared for me, loved me, complimented me in ever way, always giving me anything I’ve wanted.  She went through tough times before I met her.  I believe girls in general seem to mature faster and go through those stupid stages alot earlier than guys seem too.  I honestly think that everybody has to go through them sometime in their life, more go through it in high school, rather than like me at 21, 22, 23.  My girlfriend and I had a screwed up relationship from the start.  I should have known better anyway to start off so serious.  I was dealing with social anxiety/depression at the time.  Anyway i can’t explain everything, but just put it this way, from the start things weren’t healthy.  Both situations weren’t healthy for a normal relationship to work.  But being young and nieve and very gullible i stuck with her.  I loved her, but going through my depression and all I didn’t love myself.  I was immature.  Ok well on throughout the relationship we had our ups and downs. She was my first and this just drew me closer.  But then came my stupid stage. The alcohol the pot, the going out wanting to explore.  Everything was becoming new to me.  During these times plus still dealing with my depression/anxiety (not even knowing i really had it at the time) i treated her like shit during these times.  I verbally abused her, we even got into shoving matches.  She’s italian, believe me she has her temper too, but i wouldn’t blame her, dealing with someone unhealthy and immature like me.  Anyway that and alot more BS went on for a long time.  All together we’ve been together for about 5 years, i’m now 23.  She still stuck with me.  Finally this past year I had some close relatives die.  I also was blessed with having a baby boy with her.  But I know this is going to be hard.  It made me mature and sober up.  I will say for the past 8 months i’ve gone to a psychiatrist and my regular doctor.  I’ve put myself back into shape and have been eating healthy.  Trying to find the right anti depressants to get my mind back on track.  Stayed off the pot and alcohol, and I know not to EVER go back to it, it only leads down the wrong path.  If using it for the reasons I used it for.  I will have a glass a wine every now and then.  But this new sober life has been hard.  The past creeps me and has caught up with me.  I can’t seem to let go of the past.  I feel so ashamed of how i treated my girlfriend.  During this past year I can’t even stand to be around her and be nice.  It’s like I feel so disgusted with myself and the past, that i feel sick to be nice to her.  I sometimes will still be very rude and an asshole to her.  It’s like I don’t even mean to be, it’s like this guilt that makes me do it.  I’ve treated her bad for so long, and she never deserved it.  She truely loves me, I’m starting to realize how much I love her since I’ve started loving myself for once.  But I can’t open up to her yet, when I look at her all I can think of is the past.  I know a good idea is therapy. But I don’t know if it’s too late.  I don’t know if anybody can recover with ALL we’ve been through.  If it’s worth it.  I know our son is involved now.  I want everything to be right.  Do you think it’s possible.  Do you think it’s worth one more round.  I know the %’s of couples in these situations is probably not high in getting back and being happy, but there’s got to be some hope.  Take care, and if you read this story thanks very much.  Any support would be a big help. C. Miller

Response:

(Not grandiosely and presumptiously emailed, but POSTED only!)

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> If you have the time please listen.  If not, thanks anway  But it will feel > good to just let some stuff off my chest.  I can’t really get into everything > or it would take a VERY LONG TIME to write.  I’m just having a hard time > dealing with guilt.  Has anybody out there ever had to deal with it? Overcome > it?  My guilt is alot my fault.  Is it my fault i’ve felt depressed and made > the wrong decisions?  I don’t know, I would hope not.  I’m only 23.  It’s taken > me alot longer to grow up and mature.  I was sheltered a long time and lived > with very strict religious parents.  I wasn’t exposed to the "real world" until > I was like 18.  Which is the time I met my girlfriend.  Ever since I met her, > it seems I’ve gone through my stupid stage in life.  The bad thing is, she’s > ALWAYS been there for me, cared for me, loved me, complimented me in ever way, > always giving me anything I’ve wanted.  She went through tough times before I > met her.  I believe girls in general seem to mature faster and go through those > stupid stages alot earlier than guys seem too.  I honestly think that everybody > has to go through them sometime in their life, more go through it in high > school, rather than like me at 21, 22, 23.  My girlfriend and I had a screwed > up relationship from the start.  I should have known better anyway to start off > so serious.  I was dealing with social anxiety/depression at the time. Anyway > i can’t explain everything, but just put it this way, from the start things > weren’t healthy.  Both situations weren’t healthy for a normal relationship to > work.  But being young and nieve and very gullible i stuck with her.  I loved > her, but going through my depression and all I didn’t love myself.  I was > immature.  Ok well on throughout the relationship we had our ups and downs. > She was my first and this just drew me closer.  But then came my stupid stage. > The alcohol the pot, the going out wanting to explore.  Everything was becoming > new to me.  During these times plus still dealing with my depression/anxiety > (not even knowing i really had it at the time) i treated her like shit during > these times.  I verbally abused her, we even got into shoving matches. She’s > italian, believe me she has her temper too, but i wouldn’t blame her, dealing > with someone unhealthy and immature like me.  Anyway that and alot more BS went > on for a long time.  All together we’ve been together for about 5 years, i’m > now 23.  She still stuck with me.  Finally this past year I had some close > relatives die.  I also was blessed with having a baby boy with her.  But I know > this is going to be hard.  It made me mature and sober up.  I will say for the > past 8 months i’ve gone to a psychiatrist and my regular doctor.  I’ve put > myself back into shape and have been eating healthy.  Trying to find the right > anti depressants to get my mind back on track.  Stayed off the pot and alcohol, > and I know not to EVER go back to it, it only leads down the wrong path. If > using it for the reasons I used it for.  I will have a glass a wine every now > and then.  But this new sober life has been hard.  The past creeps me and has > caught up with me.  I can’t seem to let go of the past.  I feel so ashamed of > how i treated my girlfriend.  During this past year I can’t even stand to be > around her and be nice.  It’s like I feel so disgusted with myself and the > past, that i feel sick to be nice to her.  I sometimes will still be very rude > and an asshole to her.  It’s like I don’t even mean to be, it’s like this guilt > that makes me do it.  I’ve treated her bad for so long, and she never deserved > it.  She truely loves me, I’m starting to realize how much I love her since > I’ve started loving myself for once.  But I can’t open up to her yet, when I > look at her all I can think of is the past.  I know a good idea is therapy. > But I don’t know if it’s too late.  I don’t know if anybody can recover with > ALL we’ve been through.  If it’s worth it.  I know our son is involved now.  I > want everything to be right.  Do you think it’s possible.  Do you think it’s > worth one more round.  I know the %’s of couples in these situations is > probably not high in getting back and being happy, but there’s got to be some > hope.  Take care, and if you read this story thanks very m uch.  Any support > would be a big help. > ]

You must be a really good person. You are assuming responsibility for your part. And its so much better to be a good person, than one who wishes to be seen as a right person. No one is perfect, or good all the time. Accepting you’re just like everyone else, therefore imperfect, faultfilled, capable of much good, but also capable of pettiness, and rudeness, and being plain bad, and ugly minded is good thing for you to do.  . Everyone does all kinds of stupid, petty, bad, ugly, really shitty things. Only those who refuse to accept responsibility for their actions, and seek to scapegoat others, rather than admit and forgive themselves for their pettyness, and ugly mindedness wind up lifelong headcases. If you can accept your faults, and forgive yourself when you err, you will do fine in this life. Its definitely not too late for you to work with a counselor on it. Given your qualms, might make arrangedments to see a counselor, only once every 6 weeks. 73% of depression sufferers seen by a counselor just once every six weeks recovered FULLY from depression, including guilt feelings associated with depression, by such counseling alone.  . Go for it! (PS.  Stay off this ng.  It is being trolled by people whose specialty is exploiting sufferers of depression low self worth, and proneness to feelings of guilt. ) . – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> C. Miller

Response: