Depression Recovery

Question:

Hi everyone: I missed work all last week due to broken hand/depression. Last night, I had just had it.  I freaked out, packed a bag with shampoo and contact stuff.. no clothes.. a bottle of wine and a glass… went to 7-11 and filled up with gas, bought a road atlas and hit the road.   It was raining, and I was crying the whole time, so I stopped and stayed at a Motel 6 in Colorado SPrings.  I have a friend who lives there, so I called him and he came over.   It felt so good to just have someone’s arms around me…..    he left, I took 4 valium, 3 fiornial with codeine and 5 halcion.  I drank the wine… and wrote about 15 individual suicide notes.. even though I knew that I wouldn’t die.   I did go to sleep however, holding my crucifix pendant, with my Grandmother’s weddign ring on it. Unfortunately, I woke up, and drove back up to Denver in time to make my 1:00 PDoc appointment, and he told me if I didn’t have someone stay with me 24 hours a day until thursday, he was going to put me in the hospital.  My neighbor is taking care of me.. he talked to her.  I got another week off work, which means I’ve used up my sick days for all of 1998.   I think I should probably quit.. I have no medical insurance thru them anyway… and I’m only tying them up and preventing them from getting the work done that needs to be done.  The problem is money.  I see my therp and my Pdoc… and I have no $$.  I haven’t even paid my car payment. I can’t tell you how many people I ‘ve promised that I won’t "Do it"… but it means nothing.    I want to do it. I want the pain to end. I’ve been waiting for God to help me… …. send me a sign… nothing. Please, God… either make the pain go away, or allow me to die in my sleep. I’m not kidding… either way, it’s gonna happen.     -Beth When you come to the edge of all that you know, you must believe one of two things.  There will be earth on which to stand, or you will be given wings to fly.  -Unknown

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – } Hi everyone: } } I missed work all last week due to broken hand/depression. } } Last night, I had just had it.  I freaked out, packed a bag with shampoo and } contact stuff.. no clothes.. a bottle of wine and a glass… went to 7-11 and } filled up with gas, bought a road atlas and hit the road.   It was raining, and } I was crying the whole time, so I stopped and stayed at a Motel 6 in Colorado } SPrings.  I have a friend who lives there, so I called him and he came over.   } It felt so good to just have someone’s arms around me…..    he left, I took 4 } valium, 3 fiornial with codeine and 5 halcion.  I drank the wine… and wrote } about 15 individual suicide notes.. even though I knew that I wouldn’t die.   I } did go to sleep however, holding my crucifix pendant, with my Grandmother’s } weddign ring on it. Unfortunately, I woke up, and drove back up to Denver in } time to make my 1:00 PDoc appointment, and he told me if I didn’t have someone } stay with me 24 hours a day until thursday, he was going to put me in the } hospital.  My neighbor is taking care of me.. he talked to her.  I got another } week off work, which means I’ve used up my sick days for all of 1998.   I think } I should probably quit.. I have no medical insurance thru them anyway… and } I’m only tying them up and preventing them from getting the work done that } needs to be done.  The problem is money.  I see my therp and my Pdoc… and I } have no $$.  I haven’t even paid my car payment. } } I can’t tell you how many people I ‘ve promised that I won’t "Do it"… but it } means nothing.    I want to do it. I want the pain to end. } } I’ve been waiting for God to help me… …. send me a sign… nothing. } } Please, God… either make the pain go away, or allow me to die in my sleep. } } I’m not kidding… either way, it’s gonna happen.     } } } -Beth }

Beth, I read all of your post and I remember how it feels to be at your wit’s end.  Having been suicidal seven years ago (with memories so haunting it feels like it was yesterday), I can tell you only what I’ve learned living through it.  The suicidal feelings come out of desperately wanting the pain to end, not really wanting to die.  There are ways to end the pain without suicide, namely recovering from your depression.  It doesn’t happen overnight, so patience with yourself and a good support system are both crucial.  Is there any way you could check yourself into a hospital right now?  It sounds like you need a safe place you can go, away from the tranks and alcohol. I know that when I was suicidal, things like what I’ve just said went in one ear and out the other, but I’ve been there, and I can tell you, it isn’t easy, but it does get better.  I know what it feels like to want to die, and when you finally begin to heal, you really want to live.  You are a survivor, Beth. My thoughts are with you.  You are not alone. -emu — "COFFEE.EXE missing. Insert cup and press any key." have depression, will travel           o        o          <      <

Response:

Snip >Please, God… either make the pain go away, or allow me to die in my sleep. >I’m not kidding… either way, it’s gonna happen.     >-Beth

snip I’ve felt like this (still do) don’t bother to look when crossing the road – figure if someone hit me they would do me a favour – don’t care how much it hurts – my only friend (not a close one) keeps telling me to be a big, brave girl ( I want to tell him to piss off) but, tell you what I’ll make you a deal – You take care of yourself and I’ll take care of me – perhaps we can do it together.   let me know Donna — Donna

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